Trying (and trying really hard too)

It’s the 5th of November. In exactly a month’s time, i will be back at work for a trying period of 3-months in my final bid to complete my nursing studies which i’ve put on hold for quite awhile.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and the next time i will see him is 2 weeks later. It is my first time being reviewed by him in a fortnight’s, because he has been seeing me weekly since my discharge almost 2 months ago. In the meantime, i will still see my psychologist and social worker. My treatment team tries to make sure that i see one of them at least once a week, which means there are times when i see even 3 or 4 of them each week. I think, and perhaps they are thinking about it too, that now is a good time to “wean me off them”, since i’m a little more stable, and especially since i am starting work soon.

I have an ultrasound (and a very rare one indeed) of my upper limb joints on the 15th this month, which has been procrastinated by yours truly since what, March this year? And so i’m still trying to hold out with the flares which drive me oh-so-mad. Letting go of my controls here, which can be very daunting at times.

Been doing a lot of work trying to ‘heal’ myself, so much so that i forgot that i still need to do a fair amount of revision. I’ve been reading books and notably, the Bible. I am trying to draw myself closer to God, and at the same time trying to be in touch with my inner self, and do more for the people around me. Thus i’ve been demanding a lot of myself emotionally, and that is when it starts to rock my boat and threaten recovery.

Oh well, i’m trying really hard here.

For anyone who might be wondering, yes i was weighed yesterday, and i will continue to let him weigh me everytime i have to see him. It is not without reluctuance, and admittedly it is something i abhor so much. But i’m trying here, because he has been very kind and empathising throughout my treatment, and because i want to give myself a chance. The facts still remain however, that hospital scales are ultimately conniving, and that i am still at the scale’s mercy because my rheumy and gynaecologist are also weighing me at each visit. *meh*

Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with brotherly affection; out do one another in showing honour. Never flag in zeal, be aglow with the Spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in your hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Romans 12:2,9-13


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