Where’s the ‘ON’ switch?

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Switches are almost always two-ways. They can turn something on, and they can also turn the same thing off with a flick of the switch. Easy. But to me and for me, it is quite contrary. My switches are one-way only, it seems.

It’s so easy to turn the switch off, and switch my mind off things that are unpleasant, and things that are new. Sometimes when everything becomes too much to bear, switching off seems to be the solution to overwhelming thoughts and emotions. And of course that ‘off’ switch is anywhere and everywhere, just waiting for someone to hit it.

Switching off means to me, not caring anymore. It’s switching off my mind to anything and everything that involves a lot of emotions, especially if they are negative ones. It is in my words, not giving a damn anymore.

But the thing is, it is not selective. I inevitably switch off anything related to positive emotions, including those that keep my passion burning, and those that keep me human.

And why i am saying all of these is because my ‘on’ switch eludes me.

I keep hitting the ‘off’ switch without giving thought as to when and how i am going to turn it all ‘on’, just so i can feel again. The last time i hit the ‘off’ switch, i was desperate to not give a damn about anything which would hinder my recovery and threaten my progress. That unfortunately, had a lot to do with myself as a soon-to-be nurse.

Of course my switching off has helped tremendously in my progress. I became less reactive, and wasn’t easily triggered. I found it easier to just let things pass, and just let things be. All of these contribute to some extent, my recovery, but really. To what extent?

I find myself so numbed, without a care and basically just drifting through the days. So indifferent and apathetic? Maybe, and very likely so.

1 more week till i dive back into the acute ward, and i want so much to be the nurse i know i can be to my patients in the ward.

Desperate to switch everything back on again as i go back to do what i love most, but at the same time afraid that feeling and giving a damn once more will push me into regression.

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