It’s the eve of Christmas today, and i just ended my 3rd week back in the ward.
To say the least, i managed to cope with brand new roles and responsibilities that i’ve not undertaken since February earlier this year. It needs getting used to- having to make mistakes to learn, having to admit that there are things i don’t know, and being ok with all of that without letting them become big rocks which will in turn trip me bad. Of course i have moments-many of them- when i feel so utterly defeated. But for some reason, something that happens in the next shift makes it all a little better again.
I’m trying so very hard, to take things a step at a time. To learn how to crawl before i walk, how to walk before i run, and how to run before i fly. I find myself doing so much more than i am expected to do. One, it leads the staff in the ward to have very unusually high (and may i say, different) expectations of me. Two, it leads to me making mistakes which are avoidable had i taken things slowly. They aren’t necessarily bad you know, because i could thrive on those invisible forces for me to be more and do more, and i would definitely learn from the mistakes i made (we really learn when we do it the hard way). But after everything that has happened in the past 1.5 years, it wouldn’t be very difficult, nor would it take long, for me to take everything the WRONG way.
I discovered only from this past week, that i don’t have to second guess myself, especially when it comes to my nursing skills. ‘Just do it’, it seems, does the trick. I used to memorise entire checklists of skills that i need to know how to perform, but just at a whim on my first day taking cases, i realised that what i really needed was nothing but critical thinking and the nursing process! I did just that when i had to insert a urinary catheter, and i was successful on the first try, despite not having any time to slowly ‘ponder about and brood over’ it, and not having done it in the last 20 months or so. This simple realisation made everything simpler and more straightforward in my first week taking cases, and it in a way, with everything else that it eventually led to, boosted what little confidence i had.
It’s been 22 days that i’ve kept my promise to my patients, and with each day they patch me up a little bit more. I intend to keep my promise, and it would be a breakthrough to pass the 31 day mark. Well if i can’t do it for myself or for the people around me, i’d do it for my patients, and it’d be the least i could do for them.
I should be so lucky, that i’m living and breathing what i love, that i am in a ward where the nurse manager and staff are supportive, that i have a team of healthcare professionals rooting for me, that i have gone through what i had.
It’s all God’s grace and mercy.
In exactly a week’s time, it’ll be the eve of 2012. I didn’t think i’d actually be able to welcome the new year, let alone spend it doing what i love. Am i looking forward to it? Hell yeah.
Merry Christmas, my friends.
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the men of old received divine approval. By faith we understand that the world was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was made out of things which do not appear.