I’m tired.

A week ago, i started waking up to pain and stiffness in my proximal interphalangeal(PIP) joints. And from then on, it was the same every morning. It wasn’t new, feeling it in my PIPs. What was new, was its persistence. I thought i was ok with it. I thought it was fine.

But it isn’t. I’m not. It stirred up emotions again, and the questions come once more. Why is this happening when i am on what we call disease-modifying anti-rheumatic drugs(DMARDs)? You mean it isn’t enough that almost all my synovial joints are being afflicted already? I was gratified at the fact that my PIPs were being spared thus far, the small joints in the hands usually being the first to be affected in RA. But this had to happen.

What’s next, RA??? What more are you going to do to me?

I’m not even going to lie and say that it’s nothing. Because it is something. With each new affliction, i wonder if there’s going to be anymore. And there usually is, even though it seems like i’ve run out of joints to be afflicted by RA. I’m angry and frustrated- the pain, the change in my functionality, the loss of something that was once ‘healthy’, the need to rely on medications which do not even cure, waking up to unpredictability and just being subjected to the whims and fancies of RA.

I’m not even going to try to fight it, you know, because it’ll be futile anyway. I’m just going to pretend like it’s ok, like i’m all fine, just like what’s expected of me. Because people don’t understand. They don’t, and they don’t even try. It’s pathetic. It’s little wonder though.

I’m going back to work tomorrow, and i have little choice but to keep abusing my PIPs with what i’m bound to do with my hands.

I’m tired, really.

Oh, what i’d give to make it all go away.


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