breakneck speed

At the end of my shift today, i left the ward deep in thought.

Like something bad had happened, like something bad will happen.

I’ve spent almost a month in the ward and everything seems to be going well so far. Somehow, i am doing well taking cases. Somehow, i am fine doing  junior work. Somehow, i get along well with the staff of the ward. Somehow, just somehow, i am doing ok, well even, with everything that’s happening in the past month.

I am going at breakneck speed, it seems. And while it is good to be making progress, i am afraid of crashing as quickly.

Crash and burn.

Expectations are rising fast and furious, and i am chasing after it and struggling to meet it everyday. Sometimes i feel like i’m threading on thin ice and hanging by the thread because even one mistake could render me completely debilitated. So i’m trying to be cautious, but at the same time doing so without letting it inhibit me from my potential to do even better.

It’s finding the balance between doing what i can, and doing what i want. And it’s not easy when i have become that desperate, and when the fire in me is burning so brightly. It’s such a feat really.

It’s only a month into my 3 month placement, and the nurse manager is already asking me if i’m keen to join the ward upon graduating. What do i tell her? The last time i was in the ward, i was doing well with the nurse manager also asking me if i’d like to join her ward after graduation. But i crashed after a month.

This time? Likely not. Because this is really make or break, do or die. And i won’t, i just won’t, let myself crash.

Lots of thoughts and insights while i take the day off tomorrow seeing my physiotherapist, psychologist and maybe my psychiatrist, before going on 6 days straight of shifts, night shifts included.

 

Keep your heart with all vigilance;
for from it flow the springs of life.

Take heed to the path of your feet,
then all your ways will be sure.

Proverbs 4: 23,26

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