35 days

5th week down, 7 more weeks to go. It’s been 35 days, and i’m still keeping the count.

Who knew i’d last this long??? Not me, not at all.

It’s been such a journey, already taking on a cubicle’s worth of cases, yet also having to provide basic nursing care to my patients. I am coping well i guess, with the minimal expectations of taking on 4 cases already met earlier than stipulated. Of course it hasn’t been easy, but i try and i try my darndest to be more and do more. For my patients, and for myself. 

Caring for my patients does so much for me, and i cannot even emphasize further on how much they heal me. It is just beyond words, the way it soothes and calms me. In a way, when i care for them, i in turn, care for myself too. That seems to be the only way i know how to care for myself, it seems. And if it means that i have to do what i love to be able to care for myself, then why not???

I just want that to be enough. But it is not, and i am not.

My flares are happening more frequently, much to my dismay. Sometimes it shows when i am working especially if it’s my knees, and i do get asked about it. But it is not an excuse, and i’m not going to let it be an excuse to be anything less. My fingers- the PIP joints- are bearing the brunt of bringing my patients up the bed with draw sheets. I can feel it in my PIP joints, and i am afraid for them because of how quickly they have been deteriorating. Now only the occupational therapist can save my fingers, i think.

Holding myself together as tightly as i can now, wanting to be enough, and just being ok, every single day.

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