emotions unchecked

Today, a newly admitted patient of mine cried. I sat next to her with the curtains drawn, and listened intently to her. As she told me of her grievances, i stroked her hand and then her head, wanting to comfort her. I felt her pain and my heart ached with and for her. But i felt so helpless, and there was nothing i could do to lessen her pain except to listen to her. I told her i’ll be back to listen more (i had something to submit to the higher-ups, and i had  already finished my work), albeit very reluctantly because i just wanted to stay with her. But when i got back, i lost that opportunity, and i just couldn’t even if i forced.

It was a struggle for me to hold myself together and keep my emotions in check. I felt what she felt, and i was at the verge of tears. At the same time, i wanted so much to hug her to tell her that it’s ok. But i restrained myself for fear of losing control over my emotions. Not being able to return to her side to listen to her clawed at me too. Now i feel that feeling of abandonment that i may have invoked in her, and i feel guilty for putting her second to my commitments.

I am going to sit and talk with her tomorrow, even if it means me going home hours after my shift ends.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our affliction,
so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which ourselves are comforted by God.
For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings,
so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

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