it’s getting that bad again

they say that good things don’t last, that what goes up must come down.

i find myself losing control.

of life. of pain. of the state of my mind. of my emotions. of my eating. of everything.

and if you could see it, what it means is that i am really just losing control over my rheumatoid arthritis, my sane and lucid mind, the depression, my eating disorder, and of course, Nina.

needless to say, i am struggling. close to breakdown many times, and close to curling up and crying. close to standing up and stomping off on a few occasions, and close to yelling my head off other times. so close to crumbling and falling apart. yet i am holding myself together, refusing to let it to happen. because it cannot happen. not now. at least not now.

i don’t know what to do with the ever increasing pain- the flares are coming head on, as if to taunt and challenge me.

i don’t know what to do with the lability of my moods and emotions- even i find myself discombobulated in the midst of it all.

i don’t know what to do with my intense love-hate relationship with food, because it is my only coping mechanism left, yet it is also one that is driving me to my end.

i don’t know what to do with interpersonal and work relationships- everyone is driving me mad. i can only stay silent, or smile and laugh, and that’s just about it.

i don’t know what to do with my ever increasing neediness, and the endless disappointments it brings about.

i don’t know what to do with Nina either- her voice is drowning mine out once again, and unknowingly i am letting her thoughts become mine.

is it just me? it probably is.

i’m tired. so darn tired.

why don’t good things ever last? why do things come down after going up?  

tell me.

tell me how to make it all go away. everything.

because i don’t think i can take another hit.

not after struggling so hard for so long. not when we can all smell recovery coming my way. not when we are getting a better grasp of my RA. not when my eating and weight have stabilised for quite awhile. not when i’ve been free of self-harm for the longest yet.


i don’t know, and i’m wishing this is but a nightmare.


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