the die is cast

I am left with a mere 3 days in the ward. My clinical performance appraisal was completed last Friday and has been submitted to the school today. I won’t say how much i got exactly(because i was fortunate enough to have the appraisal in my hands, whereas most students don’t have that chance).

But i got a near perfect score. It’s even more than the highest grade i’ve ever gotten for my ballet exams.

I’m speechless. And utterly grateful.

You know, since i fell into depression till about 5 months ago, i believed with conviction that i would never complete nursing school, even though i was so close to the end. I was so dead sure that i’d bail out, or i’d fare badly. I was convinced too, that history would repeat itself, and that i’d never be able to take another blow.

But those fears were unfounded. I embarked on my final clinical placement with much fear, doubt and trepidation. Even i was surprised with what i could do.

Throughout the 3 month posting, i have maintained that i am not good enough. That i could do more and be more. Sometimes the nurses in the ward would compliment me openly to each other and to the doctors. Very occasionally, the doctors would compliment too. But even with these, i was adamant and held on very strongly to my beliefs that i’m not good enough. In my disordered mind, it came to the point that i thought that they were all humouring me.

Were they really?

Perhaps not. I am still trying to let my sane and rational mind overwhelm the disordered one. Surely there is some truth to it. Why else the near perfect score? Why else the invitation to join the ward early in my placement? Why else the compliments which were all congruent to each other?

With only 3 days left, i am starting to let myself accept whatever that has happened thus far because this is only the beginning of an end.

It really only is the beginning.

Praying and hoping that the school will not moderate my grade down. That would really be devastating to me, and would only serve to reaffirm my negative cognitions after all that has happened so far. Looking to be given a distinction for this heavily-weighted module so that i can possibly graduate on the director’s list.

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