the beginning of an end

It’s the beginning of an end; and it’s only really the beginning.

1 week into the completion of nursing school, i am surprised by my indifference to what might ordinarily be an achievement and accomplishment.

I’ve always thought that completing nursing school would mean a great deal to me; it is afterall a milestone achievement, having dallied in my pursuit of a tertiary education. And especially after falling into depression and having thought for a long time that graduation would be a mean feat… Anyone in my circumstance would naturally be in a celebratory mood, i assume.

Whatever that i’ve felt since, happened only last Friday. We had to return to school to consolidate the end of our course, and i was very triggered and distressed just by the very act of being in school. But having lunch with my lecturer, Ms Doreen, and then walking out of school after that, it felt liberating to know that i was finally free from the school which gave me so much grief. At that point, i was able to finally say that it is all behind me.

Since then, having been hospitalised and discharged 2 days back, i feel nothing. Nothing at all. Indifferent? Maybe. Apathetic? Perhaps? I tried searching within myself for an answer as to why i am like that, and i think i know why.

I start work as a registered nurse exactly a month from now. Entering the workforce would mean having to be independent. Although it is everything that i’ve wanted- finally breaking free from my parents and being an independent entity- i have my doubts and fears.

I will no longer take any money from my parents because i am responsible for all my own finances (i’ve been spending their money since i became income-less last February, especially medically, and for my allowances for the 3 months i was back at work) . I have bills to pay for- phone, insurance, utilities (i promised my parents i’d contribute), and the most hefty of all, healthcare. Speaking of medical bills, i shudder and cringe at the thought of it, and i  really wonder if i can afford it. I’d have to really start to save money, because i’ve been a little too ‘frivolous’ with my finances as a student, despite earning my own keep.

So many insecurities, worries, doubts, fears. All the what-ifs.

I am afraid, i guess. And so overwhelmed that i become underwhelmed.

I think i just need some time to figure all these out.

Time is ticking by.

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