that little ember of spark

I suppose we have to fall apart sometimes so that things can fall into place again.

Falling once more drove a stake right through me, and it brought about a chain of reactions. One after another, it pulled me closer and closer to rock bottom. But then i stopped falling, and rock bottom is still a long way down to go.

Thank goodness. Thank God.

I don’t tolerate ambivalence well- it makes me lose my bearings, puts me in much distress, and debilitates me. It’s a difficult struggle- what a gross understatement- between my lucid mind, and that of Nina’s disordered mind. I guess then, that this is where my impulsivity is borned. And when i’m impulsive, it’s a ‘no holds barred’ game that even i get scared of.

That’s when and how it all started. I stirred up a storm, although it was never my intention to. There was a huge backlash, and each and every part of it fed my very hungry and negative cognitions. Everyone- those on my team- was afraid for me.

I suppose regressing is all part of recovery, and it truly is. I’m just glad that there is now some damage control in place. But unfortunately, that would mean having my controls removed from me, and ‘putting me away’ again. This time, i let myself go with the flow. Because i know that if i don’t, my team will be going back to status quo with me again. Do i want to go back there?

No.

Things are really different now though.

There is so much shame and guilt, disappointment too. BUT!!! All at the same time, i see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s going to get better. I know it will. I see so much improvement in me and in my recovery, and i’m sure my team agrees too. It’ll go a long way, i hope. And i cannot be more grateful.

On my knees, always.

I’m inpatient till at least next Tuesday, and i’m using this time to take a good rest, to take stock of what has happened, to keep me safe, and to anticipate what’s looming ahead. Anxiety is creeping into me very insidiously, and i’m afraid of what it may bring in time to come. But God is good, and so i’m just going to surrender to Him wholly. Not easy, but i’m trying. Everything happens in God’s will, you see. And with this, i leave with you a quote from my favourite author, and i hope it inspires you:

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One thought on “that little ember of spark

  1. Pingback: touched by an angel « Mein Rheumatoid-Arthritis-Code

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