created with paper, pen and my smartphone
At a group session with medical social workers yesterday, we had an activity in which we choose from a stack of cards with different illustrations, what best describes ourselves and our circumstances. I couldn’t quite choose, but in the end i chose a card that depicted a person clinging onto an anchor and sinking into the sea. How apt it was.
There was some explaining to do, and i guess the insights i shared (definitely not new ones though) reminded me a lot of where i am right now in the phase of recovery.
My problems are like an anchor- of dead weight and fully capable of sinking right through the depths of the ocean and onto the ocean bed. I clung tightly onto my problems, even if it meant that i was going to go all the way down with the anchor and onto the ocean bed. I was so embittered that i refused to let go of the anchor even though i was drowning. The problems then, were destroying me bit by bit, and i was letting it do so. There was too much pain. People around me who were watching, threw life buoys into the water in their bid to help me float and cope. But the life buoys were useless as long as i clung onto the anchor.
To keep my head above the water, the only way to go was to just let go. I just had to let go of the anchor- all of my problems- and i’d surface. It was so simple, yet immensely difficult. The dilemma was there, and i didn’t know if i should just let go, or to hold on to it. The problems had too big an impact on me for me to let go. Yet i was desperate to break through the surface of the water to breathe.
But i guess all i needed was time. Bit by bit, i started loosening my grip on the anchor. Bit by bit, i began my ascent to the surface of the water. Just for awhile, i broke through the surface. That was when i was back working in the ward, and it felt so liberating.
This time, i’d let myself sink again by holding on to the anchor once more. But this time, i didn’t let myself sink to the ocean bed. That was rock bottom, and there is no way i’m going get there again (if i can help it). I’m somewhere in between because there had been some damage control. And i know what i should do to break through the surface of the water again.
I just need to let go.