but why???

The past 2 days have been anything but dull.

Signed my work contract with the hospital. Did my requisite medical check-up. Collected my uniforms, scrubs and shoes. Had my bloods done. Made a trip to the ward to give them my long overdue handmade cards. Got reviewed by my psychiatrist (like finally) because he has been away since my admission. Saw my rheumy. And then checked the finalised results for my diploma in nursing.

I am now more ambivalent than i was *sigh*. It was very certainly, too much for me to take in in such a short period of time.

Having signed my contract, i am due to start work on April 2. I am only short of registering with the board for my license, and that will be done next Tuesday. I will be a registered nurse by next week. Well, i am so close to becoming what i’ve always wanted to be. And while i am dizzy with excitement, i’m afraid of taking that huge step forward. More than anything, i fear being not good enough,  just not being enough in general, and failure. I guess i still need a lot more work on these.

When i went back to the CTVS ward which i was in for 3 months, the nurses there have also been hoping for me to come back to the ward, including the ward sister.  How heartening it is for me really, to experience all of these. That feeling of being wanted is just… Inexplicable. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that i will be posted back to the ward. I cannot imagine what would happen if i am not.

 My results were finally posted online yesterday, after much waiting and anticipation. I guess i overestimated the scoring system and how it would affect my grade point average (GPA). I was down to a mere 2 modules- one for 6 weeks worth of clinical attachments to the Emergency Department, Operating Theatre, and the geriatric ward, and the other for 3 months worth of Pre-Registration Consolidation Placement(aka PRCP). The former was worth 12 module credits. The latter, a whooping 28. As expected, i had scored a distinction for my PRCP. No surprises there, seeing that my preceptor had scored me a good 95%. But for the 12 credit module, i got a disappointing B+. Granted that i had completed the requisite postings across the span of one long year, i thought i had done better than that, all the while struggling with depression. The B+ knocked me over. The distinction i got suddenly didn’t matter anymore.

What went wrong? Why did it happen? Was it because i wasn’t good enough? Was it because i stumbled and fell? Why a B+? Why not an A? WHY???

It is eating me up, and i cannot help it.

Just last week, there was the slightest hint that i may get discharged today. But that was when i was seeing a psychiatrist who was covering my psychiatrist. When i was finally seen by my psychiatrist who had gotten back over the weekend, all hopes of discharge this week were dashed. And that by itself, tripped me over.

“How is it possible for you to be discharged so quickly after what you’ve done?”

With that and his body language, it was loud and clear that i have really done it this time. But to me he was really just catastrophizing everything. It didn’t seem a big deal to me. I reititerated to him my urgency in being discharged, hoping that he may relent soon, without any luck. I will have to keep trying. But i don’t know. Things are not in my favour.

I am crushed.

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One thought on “but why???

  1. Pingback: touched by an angel « Mein Rheumatoid-Arthritis-Code

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