Today was my first day at work as a staff nurse, and it meant that i was getting shot down by 2 arrows. Got a third arrow instead of two. I don’t know how i am and will be coping.
I spoke to my treatment team in the past week, about arrows that came my way, and about the arrows that were coming my way. I narrated to them in chronological sequence, all the arrows that came my way, and how i was hurt by them.
The last day in the ward, the last day in school, the 2 events(which were very serious in the words of my psychiatrist) that are related to the 3 hospitalisations, the signing of my employment letter, the release of my results, collecting my academic transcript, registering for my practising certificate, the trepidation of starting work, my release ‘into the wild’, starting work proper, knowing my ward posting, and then suddenly today, news that i would be meeting the higher-ups from school regarding my complaint.
That’s a lot happening in just a month, and very honestly it was too much for me to take. It probably explains why i experienced worsening of my depression, and why i experienced overwhelming anxiety in the past few weeks.
J asked me during our most recent session, how my achievements became arrows that hurt me. I told her it was me seeing the failures in what seemed like successes, and it was me catastrophising even what seemed like victories. But on hindsight, it was probably a lot of Nina’s doings. Nina hates for me to be content with flaws and imperfections, and thus berates me for not being more and doing more to be that little bit of perfect.
There are old wounds and new, and i am particularly vulnerable now. I can’t deflect arrows, so i try hard to be ok with arrows coming my way. The anxiety is lesser. But the pain won’t go away. It hurts so bad yes, but it is all for the better.
I’m keeping a very detailed diary from when i was discharged. Am using it to keep track of my exact thoughts and emotions so i can better handle them, and although i’ve only done so for a few days, it actually works!!! Close supervision by my team- strict weekly follow-ups- since arrows have been coming my way.
Huge arrow coming my way on Thursday, and i hope it doesn’t prove fatal.