These days, even a single joint flare would bring me close to tears.
Not because the pain is unbearable.
Close to tears because i’m sick and tired of it.
I’m sick and tired of the pain. I constantly ask myself why. Why do i have to be in pain. Why won’t the pain go away. Why am i so ‘weak’. Why do i let myself become so vulnerable. Why not a remission. Why do i not deserve it. (I probably deserve not getting a remission anyway.) Why why why. It can be very draining, you know?
And then looking forward, knowing that this is what i’m facing for as long as i live…
I try to look beyond it. I try to go back to how i found it a gift. I try to remember how much my passion for nursing is driven by being a RA patient. I try to take heart in how much RA has developed me as a nurse. I try to revel in loving what i do.
And i try to tell myself, that i should be so lucky.
But sometimes, times like this, all of these don’t matter.
I forget all of these, because i’m only human.
Make it go away, please?