Better

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in my nursing scrubs, but as a patient

It slowly became apparent to me how i have improved psychologically, and i am beginning to see more of me in myself. It’s finding myself again- the real me- having lost myself to depression. And i take heart and revel in it.

Dr S, my psychiatrist, and Dr T, my rheumy, both gave me their widest grins as they looked and listened to me during our consultations. I was getting better, it seemed, and they were happy for me.

But i ask myself how i am able to be like that, and still be as disordered as i’ve been in my thoughts and in my ensuing actions. I don’t understand it.

In this period of recovery, i guess it has never been more right to say, that having no choice may be the best choice afterall. How many times have i proved that to myself? A good few, i would suppose.

It’s now my 3rd week into work as a registered nurse, and i’ve just ended my 3rd day working the grounds in the cardiac ward. I am back into direct patient care, and it soothes me so much to be there for them. (I don’t know if anyone of you can appreciate. It’s simply inexplicable.) There’s been some ups and downs along the way, but they are inevitable. I’m trying to be ok with that.

Late last week, i was informed by mail that i am actually graduating with merit. (In other words, i am graduating on the dean’s/director’s list.) Please don’t congratulate me. Although it’s been what i’ve wanted since some 4-5 years ago, i cannot help but have mixed feelings about it.

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