battling myself

It’s been a really rough week battling myself.

It has been such a huge struggle between self-preservation and self-gratification, holding myself tightly together and letting myself fall apart, letting go entirely and having a vice-like grip on my controls, yielding and being obstinate, rationality and insanity, and most of all, between being fine and being not.

I’ve swung from being in utter despair, to being mad happy; from feeling terribly hopeless and helpless, to feeling like i can conquer the world; from being murderous, to loving life; from shaking with fear, to being fearless; from being ok, to becoming an absolute mess.

It’s all or nothing, black or white. I can’t and won’t find that balance in between, because i have zero tolerance for grey areas.

My only lifeline left, is essentially what God wants me to do- nursing- and i  am clinging onto it with my dear life, no matter how much it distresses me.

But it’s difficult, and i don’t know how long more can i hold out. The flame is going out soon.

Work has been bittersweet. The contact i have with my patients has done so much for me, but everything else is secondary and threatens my sanity. I try so very hard, yet it is not enough. But because of the pretty facade that i put up, no one can tell.


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