self-absorbed

in looking for acceptance, affirmation and assurance, whether it is from myself or from others, i have become so self-absorbed at work.

it came to the point where it’s always about whether i did good or not. whether or not my day was good was contingent on how i performed as a staff nurse.

did i know my patients well enough? did i complete my changes and finish what had to be done in my shift? was i communicating well? was my documentation ok? did i forget anything? is there anything on my checklist that i can complete?

it is unfortunate that i have reduced myself as to as such. that it became all about the measure of whether i am good enough as a nurse- for the hospital, for the ward, for the multidisciplinary team, for my colleagues, and for my patients.

of course the care for my patients never ceases, and i revel in it so much. and i maintain that they are the reason why i am in this, why i’ve held out for so long, and why i am able to keep going.

but i just feel ashamed of myself for being like that.

how i continuously seek external gratification to soothe the countless wounds deep down inside, patch myself up on the outside to look whole, and inflate whatever ‘pride‘ and ‘ego‘ i have in order to restore normalcy to my working life.

how the perfectionist in me is going around scurriedly, collecting brownie points that would serve to boost my sense of self-worth and ‘status‘, just so that i won’t be able to give anyone a chance to say that i am a failure because of my past, that i am not good enough, that i am undeserving or unworthy, or that i am mediocre.

this is how self-absorbed i am, and it disgusts me. but admittedly it is what that keeps me functioning. don’t be mistaken though. it keeps me functioning, and with that it allows me to care for my patients, who are really the ones who keep me sane and basically, just ok.

again i need to go back to touch point, and dig deeper into my heart more often. i don’t want to lose that touch.

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