It is all there, festering and rotting, content to be as such.
Tell me that recovery is easier than relapsing, that it is easier to pick myself up after i’ve fallen, that it is easier to right the wrongs, and that it is indeed fine for me to be so far gone.
But it is not.
It was far easier to let myself relapse. It was much easier to trip and fall, and wallow in pain while still sprawled on the floor. It was easier to let the wrongs be wrongs. And for me to have been so far gone, it was almost catastrophic.
Because resisting proves too effortful and futile, i’ve thrown my hands up in the air in frustration, and have relinquished my controls (or so it seems) to let my treatment team do what they deem fit for me.
I thought i would be better off having made that decision, that maybe all i needed was a catalyst for change/progress to happen.
Things are not so simple when you have to fight to retain your sanity. Things are different when you are fighting yourself. Things become far too complicated as you start to estrange your being from your self- you begin to look and peer into yourself as though you are an on-looker, balking at all the imperfections and flaws of yourself. Then you begin to believe with conviction, that you shouldn’t be alllowed to live. Or that you should be severely punished for being who you were.
My treatment team is trying their darndest, or so it seems, to get me back on my feet. But i am quite treatment-resistent, and my depression seems to be pretty refractory. They’re having a hard time helping me, probably because the problem lies more in my personality than chemical imbalances.
I am having a hard time too, and i don’t even know what i am feeling right now. Sad? Angry? Frustrated? Peeved? Impatient? Scared?
My memories are slipping through my fingers like sand, and it frightens me all over again. It’s the inevitable effect of ECT, and it is so dreadful.
That ‘breakthrough’ that my psychiatrist has been hoping for, eludes me and perhaps everyone else. I have told him not to have high expectations, because i don’t have a fantastic record of responding well to treatment.
What would it take really?