Pressing on

My life is at a standstill (again, and has been for awhile) and admittedly, i do not know if i want to break this sense of stillness and gravity that has taken over since i relapsed. There’s something about it- perhaps it is the order within chaos- that calms me down and soothes me. It may also be because i  have been removed and kept away from the wild, which can be so hostile and unforgiving. 

Honestly, I still have difficulties coping- the melancholy of depression, the fear of anxiety/panic attacks, the all-pervasiveness of my eating disorder and the chronicity of my RA… Most times, i find myself very frustrated, and it builds up very insidiously. I then inevitably turn against myself in my desperate bid to cope, and that’s where trouble starts.

What i fear too, is that even if i do everything i can in my capacity to keep myself sane and well, i may fall prey again to this monstrosity at any given time once i’m out in the wild.

Recovery is that precious and fragile, and i guess the same can be said too, about remissions in RA.

Receiving the last of the electrical currents tomorrow, and i hope things will start to look up from then onwards. Been started on Cymbalta(duloxetine) and Lyrica(pregabalin), and we’re hoping they will have the supposed additional effects on the pain, other than its anti-depressant and anti-anxiety properties. Next week, i officially start on psychotherapy.

 

“Be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.”

2 Timothy 2:1

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2 thoughts on “Pressing on

  1. Those moments (or days) of regression are disappointing, but also necessary, I think. When I look in the rear view mirror, I see they were also a time of rest for me. Don’t beat yourself up too badly!

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