Smothered

i could feel and smell the night breeze in my face.
i could almost taste what freedom tastes like- sweet.
i long to be uninhibited; i crave to be free again.
i ought to be out there like a bird;
to spread my wings and soar.

but the self-preservation instincts, they are not there.
the self-punitive ways are all too pervasive.
the self-condemnation is omnipresent.
there is no reprieve, no respite whatsoever.
even with therapy, even with plain rationalisation.

i am downtrodden and trampled on;
smothered even.

i am held against my will.
i was fed benzodiazepines
to calm me down, perhaps to sedate me.
being tied down is a definite possibility.
went under for the electric currents
to pass through my thick head.
12 times in all.
amnesiac, very amnesiac;
both retrograde and anterograde.
i actually doubt it helped.

my progress it seems, depends on
whether i smile or not.
whether i appear cheerful,
or if my brows are tightly knitted.
they notice the lability of my moods.
they keep track of when
i get triggered to the point
of needing help to curb
the monster in me.
or if  my trigger episodes
are lesser and more manageable.

my progress also depends on
my murderousness.
no talk of home as long as
it is present.
also, the impulsivity
and the mad urges.
i need to be rid of them.

they need to know
how to tame the monster in me
because even i
don’t have the solutions.
but nah.
they have no clue too.
even after so long.

i don’t belong here.
this is not where i’m supposed to be.
my future is waiting for me.
yet i think i’m going to be an utter failure
in life and at work.
what if i fall again and again?
this will be the death
of me someday.
and i know it all too well.

i’ve been a really good girl.
but they are not willing at all
to take any chances with me.
especially not after this escalation.

what would it take really?
to liberate me, and to
let go of their tight reins on me?
they won’t give me an answer.
perhaps they don’t even know.

i’ve had enough.

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