Making that choice

It was deliberate, and i was looking forward to it. It was in a way, macabre.

I stood there, eyes darting in all directions, seeking familiarity. It had a calming effect, soothing even, looking at so many of them. 

My murderousness at its best.

When i spotted it, i glared at it, my mind pretty much a mess. It’s a fight between the feeling of comfort and feeling terribly unsettled.

The urge to reach my hand out in my bid to own it was insurmountable. It felt like i needed someone to physically restraint me.

But i cannot. I must not. Even if i have been longing for it so much, for so long. I let myself observe the thoughts that ran amok in my head. Mindfulness; i decided to put what i’ve learnt into use.

So i walked away, though Nina was kicking up a storm.

It’s painful, making that decision. I feel insecure and unsettled. But do i want to go back there again?

No.

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