back but different

It’s been a week since i’ve returned to work, and everything’s different now although it’s only been 2 months that i’ve been away. It feels wrong- i feel like i’ve changed, and i don’t like it.

I feel like it saps me of my energy, whatever that is in me that is more difficult to deal with. Most of the time, it’s the RA flares that wears me out both physically and mentally very quickly into the shift. Sometimes, it is the depression that affects my mood and/or the need to put up facades to keep functioning. And every shift, it is the hunger that i put myself through that wears me thin.

It seems more apparent now that i am not coping too well with whatever that ails me. Or perhaps i’m just too tired.

(I think that RA has been stretching me far too much these few months with its flares which sometimes do not even respond to steroids. Worse now that i am doing shifts, especially nights. Maybe that is where the mental fatigue is coming from- the pain and its unrelenting nature.)

I remember how it used to be, and i want to go back to where i used to be. That i am in it for the patients. That it is all about them, and that it is all for them.

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