in pieces

It’s a week to the end of the first month of 2013.

Time flies, really.

While i take this time to rest my head, which is a tangled mess as a result of work in the ward, i’m wondering what should be my next step. I definitely know that i need to stay out of the hospital for longer periods, and i guess this is something to be worked out before my discharge. I’ve signed my confirmation letter, which is good news because i am no longer in such a precarious position. But i know i cannot go on like that in the cardiac ward. Don’t be mistaken though. I love my job, and i love work in the challenging cardiac ward. But my superiors cannot care less about my mental health. After my last admission in Aug-Sept, i returned to work only to hear from them that i have to ‘speak up’ if i felt stressed or could not cope. Well… I heeded their advice, but my words fell on deaf ears, and i continued to be given the heaviest workloads. I have seniors who take advantage of me as a new staff and demand for me to do things which i had the choice of not doing. I mean, i do try to take everything with a pinch of salt, because after all, this is what i love to do. But there is only so much i can take, with this fragile state of mind that i have.

Undergoing the currents again, this time round because of my sky-high risk of suicide. Spent a week in high dependency too. It was that bad.

This admission changes a lot of things. Diagnoses, medication regimen, therapy, my mindset, my newfound inability to trust people (although this does not apply to all), and disillusionment brought up to a whole new level. I have become in a way, fearful of life and whatever it throws at me. *sigh* I honestly think i am incompatible with life. I don’t seem to take too well to such a hostile world with its self-serving and self-absorbed people who have no compassion for anyone whose state of mind is so fragile and vulnerable, and a body that can fail anytime on me.

Broken yet again, i find myself. And i don’t know what i should do.

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