Today at a session held by medical social workers about self-awareness, i realised that i was still my biggest obstacle. This is despite me being described by people on my team to be ‘insightful‘. We had an activity where we had to list down our strengths and our weaknesses with pen and paper. But the mere thought of it greatly distressed me. I couldn’t bring myself to make tangible my non-existent strengths and my glaring flaws. So i said no, and watched everyone else write their strengths and weaknesses while i ruminated.
When it was my turn to talk, i explained why i had refused to write anything down. It is never in us humans to compliment ourselves and not get criticised for being ‘full of ourselves’ and ‘conceited‘. It is far easier though, to put ourselves down, and for that everyone else would be only too happy to agree. I said that everyone would agree that we all deserve better. But the thing is, nobody is willing to give it to us. And because it is so deeply ingrained in us, we don’t know how to receive it and believe that we deserve it if it comes our way.
My heart ached throughout the session knowing that i was my greatest stumbling block in recovery, and i was sad that things have to be like that. Nearing the end of the session, i shared that as a nurse, i am able to give relentlessly to my patients. And then in front of everyone, i asked a rhetorical question. Why am i unable to do the same to myself? Why can’t i give myself the same love, hope and joy that i give to my patients?
This is something i have to consciously work on everyday. And i have to pluck myself out of my own way, and let myself trudge forwards.