be strong

At the stroke of midnight, I was lying on my bed reading the blog posts I had written as of late. It was particularly those from the end of last December till present day.

2013 has had me in hospital thus far, and seeing Dr S everyday from Monday to Friday has uncovered many stones that have been left unturned. (I don’t even remember how i was in November and December, and he was the one who revealed to me that i was in such terrible shape when i saw him weekly. I was too caught up with work and sleep that i didn’t even blog much, my godsister tells me.) Knowing this, and reading the posts…

I suddenly find myself choked up with tears. I started sobbing very badly. There was so much sadness then (and now still), and it reminded me a lot of why i even fell into depression. Dr S said this morning that it was grief that was never really addressed, especially so when recent events turned out to be quite like then. All that happened which pained me so much kept replaying in my head. Those tears, then and now, were never enough. Inconsolable and desperate to calm myself down without maladaptive ways, i started to whisper repeatedly to myself “be strong, steph. be strong.” in my head came this verse:

“Be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.” 2 Timothy 2:1

And very slowly the tears stopped rolling down my cheeks. I said my prayers, breathed slow and hard, blew my nose, then tried to settle down to sleep. Bad sleep (if it can be even considered sleep), it turned out, even with a hypnotic and benzodiazepine.

Talking to Dr S this morning, and being somewhat enlightened that i am engaging in what they call projective identification, i felt a little better. Some 8 hours later in the day, i spoke to another patient who’s a Christian. I found myself telling her something that i ought to remind myself frequently.

God will only give us what we are able to handle, and never more.

My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.

For the sake of Christ, then, i am content with 
weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; 
for when i am weak, then i am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:5-10

 

Recovery is such a bitch, i tell you. *sigh*

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