it was a really bad and long weekend for me, but nothing that compares to what the good Lord went through (Good Friday then his resurrection on Easter).
in just 6 days- last Thursday till today, a Tuesday- i got what i want, got triggered, lost it, tried to right the wrong, got ‘punished‘ good time, then got it back again. how does that sound? nothing short of a heck of a journey, i tell you. and if you’d ask me, i’d never want to go through that again.
it was sort of like an emancipation, but it wasn’t without a lot of anxiety and apprehension. i had to make the decision, and last Thursday, it was now or never. 3 long months you know?! everyone asked me if i was ready. i said even if i wasn’t, i had to be. i couldn’t procrastinate anymore, and neither was i going to let my doctor. so home i went, finally, after the requisite anxiety and fear that i went through in the days leading up. my steps were light and springy, i had so many things on my mind that i had to do, i was fuelled by an adrenaline rush, there was too much to do and too much time wasted. so many things i did, including a shopping spree (oh God forbid) on Friday, piling through the boxes in my room which i have yet to unpack from housemoving back in December, and i was talking quickly, laughing loudly. i don’t know but it was craaaaaaazy.
saturday came, and it inevitably happened. (no wagging your fingers or shaking your heads please i beg you.) it was a mistake through and through, and it was a really big one at that. you know how you try to right your wrongs, but end up totally screwed up after that? exactly. except, WORST. i won’t even try to explain what is the process of incarceration because it can be quite tortuous (both the explanation and the actual process). it was really sad, thinking back about it and attempting to look at it at a 2nd person’s point of view, not only with this incident but with every breakdown i’ve had. i ended up drugged twice, with its effects extending beyond 36 hours, and me not knowing what had happened until the story was narrated to me by my godsister much later. i would say to my doctor later with much cynicism, that if he saw what happened, he would think of it (or me) as an utter pathetic thing.
monday was a no. i was told to stay till friday and i said NO. but who was i? today, tuesday, we had a long talk, like he was a therapist. he was drawing out my answers to his questions. he was serious, and that overnight difference was like as though he had an ‘epiphany’. i said today. he asked me if i was ready. i gave him all the answers he wanted, compromising on the things i couldn’t say yes to, and stayed honest. he said an extra day made a difference. it had allowed me to think through things a little more. and then it was a yes. YES!!!
so here i am again at home, once more, a little like an energiser bunny.
conquered the odds of severe depression again.
happy to be home, happy to be free, happy to be alive.