giving life a chance

disposable toothbrush. wake up calls. pain in joints. morning stiffness. shuffling feet. head hung low. bed head. breakfasts that i will never eat on my own. cup full of pills. a racing heart. respite under the blankets. deep in thought. anxiety. furrowed brows. why this feeling. can’t get out of bed. amotivated. music that keeps me sane. under the blankets still. trembling hands. he’s here to see you. sigh here we go again. how are you. the same. the questions are always the same. buts and what ifs. the pills usually get more. seldom less. don’t remember. memories slipping through my hands like sand. why. don’t want to talk. throwing of tantrums. aargh. why. crying fits. silent sobs. urges to hurt. but no can do. trapped. treated like a child too often. lunch and dinner. always too much. coke zero. teevee. why. milo breaks. too full. therapy. deafening silence. past memories. it hurts. triggering. why. hot showers. paper underwear. hair that dries too slow. tired. rather be alone. usually can’t. goodbyes. eyes wide shut. write a diary entry. pills again. tumblr time. drooping eyelids. sleeping pills. wake up at 4am. fitful sleep. don’t ever want to wake up. but life goes on. why.

too many days inpatient. too much pain that i can’t comprehend. too many whys unanswered. too many i don’t know whys. too many pills to take. too much hurt. too much to bear. too many facades to put up. too many brick walls i’ve built up.

i’ve gone from ok maybe i can carry on to no i want to die let me kill myself. i ricochet back and forth time and again, to the point where my treatment team tells me they don’t know what to do with me anymore. i’ve gone from ok i have a bright future ahead of me so i should hold on to no i have no future things will only get worse so i might as well die now. Dr S tells me he’s sorry, because we’ve exhausted everything.

i am home now, giving life a chance. every day out in the wild is a battle for me to fight. i can only take each day as it comes. and if lose the battle, then… but i try, and i never stop trying. i give in sometimes, but i don’t give up.

sometimes people forget that depression can be fatal.

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