23

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portrait of daphne groeneveld on canvas; quote by marya hornbacher

Twenty-three

I wouldn’t put a number on myself, especially my age. But i just turned 23, and that means i’ve outlived the monster we call depression for 3 years. I suppose it’s a good thing, no? Well i can’t seem to decide myself, so i’ll leave that up to everyone else.

The days leading up to my birthday, which was also the period since my last post, have been nothing short of a wild ride wrought with emotions. I went from up to down, calm and collected to angry and frustrated, nice to nasty, scared shit to feeling i can conquer the world, feeling the love to pure hatred, happy like a bird to sinking sadness. I went from ‘yes i can do this‘ to ‘no i can’t i give up‘. It came to a point where i just let everything sink in and let myself feel them, instead of fighting them. But of course, sometimes it’s really much easier to give in.

I won’t lie. It has been fucking hard staying out in the wild, and it’s sad because wild is where life really is. That means that i have a lot more work to be done. I am essentially a work in progress. Always.

Here i am in my entirety, with scars and wounds, joints wrought with pain, and a spirit that is secretly tenacious. I am alive, and that is all that’s important, right?

Right.

So here we go, to many more birthdays and years ahead.

Happy Birthday Steph

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3 thoughts on “23

  1. once again you have managed to speak my heart although I ve got a few decades on you, life has made you wise beyond your years, I dont know what you did for yourself on your Birthday, but I hope it was wonderful, life affirming, and reminded you what a beautiful person you are, even to someone who has never met you but whom you have brought to tears with shared truths and bravery. Please be kind to yourself and may [almost] every day be more wonderful [ but not all because obviously you are also greater than you give yourself credit for in a crisis] Thinking of you, with a smile
    and Best Wishes xo Diana

  2. i love you Diana. i’m glad i’m able to put into words what you could not (not because you cannot, but be because of the lack of a medium). it’s very comforting to know there’s someone out there who can appreciate what i am going through and feeling. it makes me feel more human too! always thinking of you too, and do take good care.

    xoxo
    steph:)

    • have a big warm hug and I hope you had a gr8 Birthday, although somehow they never seem to be whatever was anticipated, they can also be seen as a chance to remedy whatever I f’d up the year b4 and therefore a tiny amount more filled with possibilities, and a bloody gr8 hint on what I need to work on in myself in the coming year and importantly let my enthusiam overwhelm my trepidation,

      Don’t let the turkeys get you down : they get plucked, stuffed and cooked for Christmas. lol
      Diana xoxoxo

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