better maybe?

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i have not said this for a long time, but…

things have changed! and don’t be mistaken, because i do mean that things have changed for the better. i think?

it’s odd, because just today, i quit inpatient treatment at an eating disorders unit. just last month (June), i added 9 more days and 2 more surgeries to the 5 months i have spent as an inpatient this year. one would think, especially those on my team, that i would let them get me down looking at those circumstances. they did, i’ll be honest.

strange, because what happened this morning in the hospital made me cry. but today was a bit like a turning point. a little like an epiphany, a revelation from God.

ever since i’ve been out ‘in the wild’ proper from the first day of June, i’ve had a lot of time to think. i tried to figure out what came out of the first half of this year. all the time spent talking to Dr S, therapy with Dr G and Dr P to try to help me and figure things out while they thread on thin ice. all the time that i was ambivalent and torn between existing or dying, between wanting to dive headlong back into work and doing nothing. all the time i was haunted by a terror called anxiety, that i would hide under the blankets all day long because i was so fearful and scared. all the time that my enduring personality traits meant that i vacillated between being so needy of my psychiatrist (who is really the best there is), and wanting to fire him. all the time when all i wanted was to hurt myself when i couldn’t, of the times that i did, and feeling good/bad about what i did in the end. all the time when i must have lost my mind, because i was held down, restrained and sedated; people had to stop me because i couldn’t stop myself. all the times when i was put under, my mind put through currents, the ensuing amnesia that made me discombobulated. all the time that we tried to sort things out with my parents but had me screaming and/or crying in the end. all the times when i grew decreasingly in need of human interaction, because i couldn’t commit to any interpersonal relationships, not even an acquaintant, and all those times when all i wanted was to be totally alone. all the despair that i could not escape, the pain that would not go away, the needs that could never be fulfilled, the hopelessness and helplessness that i was suffocating in, the tears that i was drowning in, the neverending pills that i was downing, the sleep debt that could never be repaid, the time and perhaps even friendships that i’ve lost… and doctors who all seemed to agree that i was almost a ‘hopeless’ case, one that could be helped little by medications and currents, that only time and therapy will help… all these and a life that is only behind me, and only mine to recreate ahead of me…

i don’t have an answer, to be serious. what i know and what i have felt so far, is that my life has indeed changed. i say that maybe it really is for the better, because it is still very premature to make any assumptions out of it. for the 1 month that i’ve been out, i feel like i can breathe, for once in a really long time. i feel like i’ve had less periods where i run into crisis mode. i feel like i have lesser bad days now. i feel like it is a wee bit easier to feel any hint of happiness. i feel like maybe i care less now. i see just a bit more hope. i feel a little more empowered. and i actually started to feel like i can get better. it is a combination of all these different factors that have made me feel like maybe i am on my way, and it is why i feel like things have changed, and will start to change for the better.

but! (and there is always a but, although i really hate to say it.) i still face my past and monsters and struggle everyday. i have my bad days and days when i feel like disappearing from the face of the earth. i try very hard not to isolate myself and find it of utmost difficulty not to. i am still in therapy, and will be for a long time. i’m now trying not to let the eating disorders team sabotage all the progress i’ve made, and am now caught between treatment and saying no (which i just did today) further.

and i’ll say, in the words of my amazing psychiatrist, that i have tried, and that is bloody GOOD ENOUGH (ok he didn’t say bloody i added that).

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