so angry

tomorrow, if my psychiatrist is gonna say that there is nothing more he can do for me, even for an acute regression, i swear i am going to explode. or scream. or throw a tantrum. or say that i’m never coming back.

because seriously, it was enough trying to handle that there is nothing much more my rheumy can do for my RA while i am actively flaring and symptomatic, and it was like a nail in the coffin when i quit/failed treatment for my eating disorder when i realised i had let my ED psychiatrist verbally denigrate me and tear me up into pieces so small i wasn’t sure i existed. (we only have ONE eating disorders unit in the whole damned country.)

what makes things worse is that there is only so much that medications can do in depression. sure he could patronise me by increasing my dosages. but let’s face it. will i get better? NO.

so what now? what fucking now?

aargh it’s my fault. it’s always my fucking fault.


3 thoughts on “so angry

  1. Dear Bloom
    I would like to send you a big warm hug for as long as you needed and then remind IT IS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT, but because you are so tuned into yourself, usually in a good healing and factual way, but it seems this time you are suffering not only severe physical RA constant, draining pain but also the analysis you are doing on your sendind you on a downward spiral and because you have been so strong for so long that I think it impossible not to factor that in as making your Depression even worse, because of generalised exhaustion. When I get as down on myself as you sound I make an extra effort to remember the people in my life, if they still are or not, that have amazed me by being themselves, and if it was an afternoon or a decade of knowing and admiring them { With Out Comparing My Depressed Persona with Them} I remember that as special as they are, they found something in me to like or even love, so I must have something they recognised in me that is a bit special too, and so
    most of the time in stead of continuing to put myself down and feel worse, It has helped me slam the brakes on my spiral and start the climb back up to where I am ok with myself, and only take responsibility for what I am actually responsible for, please try to think of 3 -? things you like about you, and eventually you will remember that there is many more good things about you !!!

  2. Hi Diana

    I love it that you called me Bloom!!! (Oh i love that word so much!!!) Thanks for the virtual hug. I needed it badly. Thank you for taking the time to tell me so much. I really appreciate it, and will keep it in mind! Actually my psychologist taught me about the responsibility pie to get me to remember how little i am responsible (as opposed to being responsible about everything) for things that happen. I fell, and find it hard to get back up again. Strange, because i was able to do so just last month. But oh well, shit happens.

    So much love

  3. Dear Bloom,
    I like that name too, to me it means someone/thing that is already beautiful, whether aware of it or not, becoming more so. I am so proud of you for “doing nothing” Sometimes that is the most positive option while you regroup your strengths, I always quite liked a quote, although I don’t remember from whom ” It may not be your fault for going down, but it is your fault for not getting up, as carefully and soon as you can !” Be gentle with yourself and I await your next eloquent insightful postxo

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