relapsed

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– Viktor E. Frankl

i’ve been struggling for about a month or so, fighting with my demons, with what seemed like an impending relapse. try as i might, i’m not the strong that i should be yet. i’ve been going on a downhill while desperately retaining some functionality that is demanded of me, with what is thought to be my worst yet by my treatment team. you know it must be true when several people who haven’t seen you in awhile look at you, and comment that you look terrible and mustn’t be doing well.

i told Dr S i regret even going to the Eating Disorders Unit to have my problem treated, because it became the catalyst for this relapse. that it fuelled all the existing problems, threatening to make them even bigger problems. but i think he told me not to regret it. that i tried and tried hard enough. that it is with such slip-ups that one learns life lessons.

i am expected to show up inpatient next Monday, just so that they can stabilise me by running currents through my head (all over again) before i disappear from the face of the earth (oh i’m so capable of that). i just did one, but it was sorely inadequate as deemed by Dr S and myself.

aargh i hate this, and i hate myself.

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2 thoughts on “relapsed

  1. Dear Bloom,
    I wondered what has been happening with you? I am shocked by you saying you hate yourself, when, to me, u r such a gr8 person, people all around you believe you have what it takes to make it through this too, I know your kindness, insights, eloqence and intelligence shine out into the world, which needs people like you even more than you [ obviously ] realise, I for one am happier because I am in contact with you. You may not feel strong enuf but the very fact you realise this means u r still fighting, please give yourself some of the love u give to others without thinking, Have another hug and I’m sure I will hear more from you soon !

  2. Dear Diana

    I wish i could give you a huge hug!!! Thank you for your words of encouragement; it really helps a great deal! I wish i could love myself like i love others, but i guess it is a journey for me to take and learn. I’ll get there some day i think! Love you! xoxo

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