by my side

But He knows the way that i take; when He has tried me, i shall come forth as gold.
-Job 23:10

i’ve had a particularly difficult 1 week right after i got back from the rheumatology conference in Bali. and believe me, that is an understatement even, to say so. i was still unwell when i got back, per say. so i was in the hospital once more, for what i believe is, my own good. but there was a turn of events, and as things transpired, i felt like i was transported back to 2010- the incident that pushed me into the dumps of depression. emotions that i both fear and hate the most were triggered. and what might that be?

feelings of mistreatment, unfairness, rejection, abandonment and betrayal. i shouted, screamed, sobbed, cried, begged, pleaded so many times. most of the times in anger and with spite, sometimes with a ‘why?’ buried in it. a fair bit of it, for purposes of clarification. it got apparent to me that nobody was going to listen to my side of the story; they only believed what they wanted to believe. and as it turned out, they were all wrong. so so so wrong. it didn’t help that i was in the healthcare profession; i knew everything that was going on, but was helpless as it was done unto me.

in this difficult week that i experienced, a number of people spoke to me about God. this by itself spoke volumes to me, because it wasn’t the first time it happened. even some 2.5 years ago, i’ve had fellow patients (staff in the ward even) talk to me about God. i’d listen to them, and i tried you know. i tried to hold onto God. but the depression got the better of me, and most times i was overwhelmed more by what the depression wanted me to think and believe in. all that negativity, pessimism, futility, and the relentless persistence of it all. a lot of it were the whys that i asked God. why me? why??? this time however, things changed. it hit me hard, that God has been unrelenting. it was like He was going to try for as long as it takes for me to realise that He has never and will never abandon me. that had me thinking. and really hard at that.

it was immensely difficult to be totally immersed in such a dire situation, and i didn’t think i’d make it out unscathed. honestly. but the days came and went nevertheless. and it can only be by God’s grace that with such an ordeal, i was drawn closer to Him.

5 days after i left the hospital and on hindsight, God has always been beside me. He has been walking by my side and holding my hand, ignoring the fact that i was blind to Him again and again despite His persistence. and what happened, happened for good reasons. with the motivation from the rheumatology conference and unlikely motivation borned out of the traumatic week, i am going to work on recovery.

recover, return to work and be the nurse that God wants me to be, draw closer to and embrace Him, walk with Him, and be joyful/happy.

that’s a lot of homework, but with HIm all things are possible.

thank you, my almighty Father. thank you for loving me always.




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