do you know what kills me?
the invisibility of it all, and the unrelenting chronicity.
the fact that it cannot be seen, yet demands to be felt… i struggle a lot in so many aspects.
i have a hard time having my doctors believe in what i go through- symptoms that are so intangible to them, but so very real to me. sometimes i beg them to do something to make the pain- physical, mental or emotional- go away. sometimes i throw my hands up in the air in frustration and start arguing to the madness that is them invalidating me for whatever reason they think it is. other times, i sigh in resignation and stay relatively silent because i just give up trying. it is an ongoing battle that can never really be won.
i also have a really hard time with the people around me. it is really incredible how unempathetic people can get. merciless, that their words are literally daggers. i almost always put up a facade that no one can see through unless i really feel unwell. i am usually reluctant to talk about my symptoms, because i know it’ll be met with disregard or disbelief. but at times i do have to, and when i do, it is exactly what happens. don’t find excuses. you don’t look like it. you look perfectly fine. really? how come i don’t notice it? don’t lie. and then there are the unsolicited why are you still like that? you look like you put on weight. you look fat. you are a waste of my money. why are you so lazy?
these words although simple, hold much ill-intent, even if it wasn’t intentional. it adds on to already burdensome illnesses and the immense pain they entail. i’m not hurting anyone, so why hurt me?