healing from within

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printing paper and a trusty black marker- what we all need

where there is a wound, you’d put a bandaid over it to help it heal by preventing it from getting aggravated again by similar perpetrating causes or by new ones. the bandaid doesn’t really heal the wound, in a way. because the healing comes from within.

it is like that too, when it comes to pain. physical, psychological, emotional pain.

i suppose i have always been told in many different ways, that it has to come from within. from me and not from anyone else, any medication, any procedure, any overt action. i think it is in fact what people around me, especially my treatment team, have been trying to drill it into this thick and hard head of mine. sometimes, instead of just listening and going ‘mmhmm’, i even assume that they are being mean, nasty, whatever. that they are trying to invalidate what seemed very real and painful to me.

there was an ‘aha!’ moment for me, while i was in a therapy session with my psychologist just this week which although seemed very run of the mill, made all the difference. we talked about cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), and she told me that for me, it is a whole different game.  so instead of having my thoughts affect my emotions and behaviour, it is really the converse for me. and then i realised i have been doing it all wrong in the past 3 years. i kept trying to change my thoughts, making visual cues to regularly remind me of the positive thoughts. then i kept doing what i thought was guided by my ‘change’ in thoughts. challenging myself through difficult situations, doing the things i used to do, even eating and shopping. but they never worked. i fell through every single time.

it’s like how i keep putting bandaids over wounds that are festering and rotting, wishing and willing it to go away. but there is an infection, and it just doesn’t work that way.

silly me.

the healing has to come from within, yes. it cannot come from anyone else other than myself. i have to act it to believe it, then only can change begin. only then, can i start to heal.

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