it’s almost time to go back to work proper, and just like i did in the first quarter of this year, i foresee many problems in doing so.
my career is going to be determined by dozens of people who don’t even know me. what they know though? is that i am sick and have been seriously ill for most parts of the year (and that means at least 3/4 of it). they might even want to call me ‘crazy’, i don’t know. what they don’t know? is how much i’ve gone through to still be standing here today and be actually making quite a good bit of progress now.
the sickening part of the whole thing is? it’s my fucking crime to have depression and an eating disorder. talk about stigma. and as if having RA isn’t bad enough to deal with. my 200% will not be enough, as it has always been. just because i’m ‘sick’, my ‘value’ is running on a deficit.
it’s crazy, because i gave, and will always give, my all and nothing but the best, especially to my patients, and also to my roles and responsibilities. i have done maybe even better and more, than others who are healthier and well. what will it take for them to see it? i don’t have the choice of having a clean slate again.
sigh. it’s gonna be a huge judgement and i’m not sure i can handle what i will have to contend with.