the days that haunt me

the days that haunt me are
the days when i was a kid, innocent and minding my own business

the days that haunt me are
the days when i was just being a daughter and trying to be a good sister

the days that haunt me are
the days when i was being myself and doing what i needed to do

the days that haunt me are
the days when i did my best and gave a bloody fuck

the days that haunt me are
the days when i was denied the things i actually deserve and heard the things that i didn’t deserve

the days that haunt me are
the days when i was good enough but the converse was said and implied

the days that haunt me are
the days when i’m sick, whether apparent or not, but never once deliberate

and i wish they never did have to haunt me
like ghosts that linger and never go away
which even electric currents cannot take away

because they remind me that despite my best efforts
i really wasn’t even enough to begin with
like a glaring mistake which everyone could see but myself
like a thing that could only be treated like a thing

and nothing more

so when i began to believe in it
and treated myself like a thing

everyone jumped on me and punished me
they treated me and murdered me
with their words and with their actions
their heads shaking, their fingers wagging
like i’m a thing devoid of emotions and feelings
like i’m a thing that might have been blind to everything

but i am aware, and i know it all too well

so if you asked me
the days that truly haunt me are really
the days when i was treated like nothing
more than a mere thing

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