blessed

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today was a long day, but it was fruitful nevertheless.

i started the day oversleeping on the bus on my way to see my psychiatrist. it was vexing. seeing my new psychiatrist for the second time went on to prove to me that not only is he is really quite a name in psychiatry, but that he is really good at what he does. i’m in really good hands actually. (it does not discount the fact that he can be quite a douchebag though!)

i went on to my ward for an oddly-timed Christmas party. it was really good seeing so many familiar faces. faces which i saw everyday. and the ordinary people that are behind these faces. i even saw my ‘seniors’ whom i worked with for my final placement as a nursing student. for good or for bad, my colleagues were all a joy to work with. and to large extents, i am grateful for everyone of them, especially during trying times and critical periods when our patients deteriorate. i was just sad not to see some doctors whom i’ve gotten to know quite a bit. i didn’t spend long working in the ward, but i got along with some of them very well. they made me really happy today. i just wished it didn’t have to end like that. we are friends now though. so it will go on, i guess. 🙂

i did an unprecedented thing today. (my treatment team knows me to be one who always asks why, to the point that they get annoyed with me sometimes. it’s not that i don’t know my boundaries, but i easily mistake what other people are telling me to be something bad due to the way i am conditioned. so i just have to.) i sat down with my nursing officer, and trashed things out with her. i held a lot of bitterness from how i felt i was treated since word got out about my depression. i was just at the receiving end, and it just broke me apart again and again. then, i didn’t have the clarity of mind to ask why, or even debate about what was discussed. i just let the words tear me apart. it’s been at least a year, if not, more. i knew my time in the ward is over, and i couldn’t let it hang there. i needed closure. so as difficult as it might have been, i talked with her. and i’m glad i did. i learnt more about myself, more about why she did or said the things that transpired, and i guess i learnt more about the working world. her observations of me were spot-on. and she is not the first to tell me these. my team reminds me of it all the time, that it is a work in progress. i’m just glad that i ended things amicably.

the next thing that happened, is that my bloods all came out good!!! yay!!! it hasn’t happened in awhile now, so seeing it clean was a good feeling. my transaminitis has resolved, presumably because i have stopped methotrexate. my anemia is gone, and my haemoglobin is looking really good (don’t know about my iron stores though). my inflammatory markers are good too. i was getting so happy that when reality set in, i was kinda set up for disappointments. it is not the first time methotrexate has induced transaminitis in me. in fact in all the times it happened, methotrexate was around. my rheumy will probably hold it off for awhile longer, and restart and maintain at a lower threshold. sulfasalazine by itself doesn’t cut it in halting my disease progression. i just hope my rheumy won’t banish methotrexate like she did for leflunomide. the other thing? my psychiatrist wants me off pregabalin, which i think in my opinion, has been helping me with coping with the flares. i’m gonna be in trouble once he manages to completely cut it off. am i being too pessimistic here?

anyhow, a miracle happened yesterday. it was truly a miracle. i cannot say anything more, other than it being about getting a position possibly (just when i was feeling down and out about how long it’ll take for me to get back to work because of the lack of vacancies). i can say more only when things are confirmed. but it’s a good thing. and good things are good.

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