rocked the boat

letgoletGod

it has been a tough week.

it’s never easy when you learn that you yourself are the problem. never. the problem is that it is intrinsic in you, and it cannot be quelled without external intervention. you fight it. you try with all your might. you get people who are strangers to you to help you against what is in you. and then you also get people who judge you for the problem that you have, and not the person that you are. sometimes you feel like you can do it. but most times it just knocks you over and renders you incapacitated. and people judge you for that too. all the good you have done is undone by just one bad, or a mere not-so-good.

so what gives?

they say that the tiger does not lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep.

really?

even until today, over 3 years from when i was first diagnosed with depression and bulimia nervosa, my diagnoses and treatment are still being debated. when my shrink was leaving and then subsequently left, it rocked the boat hard. i was beginning to hear things that were strange and foreign to me. things that were not pleasant to hear, but not derogatory. something is really wrong with me, and all these time i’ve been in treatment, they might have gotten it all wrong. strip me bare of my current medications and start again, my new psychiatrist asks. that will take months, and in the meantime, i don’t know what will happen to me. it’s scary because these medications are what that are keeping me rather sane. and then i learnt that in these 3 years that i have been in treatment, i have depleted my parents’ savings. the guilt is murderous, and threatens to take more from me than bargained.

with my rheumy, we are letting my liver rest. no more methotrexate until April Fool’s at least. with that we’re risking losing control of my RA again. but what gives? we are upping sulfasalazine to the maximum to play it safe. but i’m afraid. as usual. RA is a monster. one that gets me down with just one hit. anytime. you’d think that living with RA for 23 years, i’d be used to it. but nope. i have an unusually high pain threshold, but it still hits me everytime. and oh yes. 2nd no-no i’ve gotten about me doing kick-boxing. (oh please, even yoga gets me too.) how do i keep myself conditioned and my muscles strengthened so that i don’t have aches and pains from weakened and reconditioned muscles then?

i was slated to start work in the New Year, but until now, i have no word, no hint, that i’ll be starting anytime soon. i was forced to request for a transfer. but with that, my background has to be shared with nursing officers. it’ll be their prerogative to say yes or no to me joining their department. it looks bleak. really bleak if you’d ask me honestly. those who know me well, know that i thrive on direct patient contact. i care for my patients, and it gives me life. having to step away kills me, but i’ve tried accepting that. i can always go back when i’m much better. however the uncertainties with where and when i should be working, is just a hard slap on the face. i’ve been income-less for more than a year now. i have a job (i have a bond to serve), but i don’t have a job.

what do i do?

If the world hates you, know that it has hated Me before you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

-John 15:18-19

 

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