i’m just human

this has been written to death, but because something is happening tomorrow…

i didn’t work the entire 2013. i let my psychiatrist talk me into taking the whole year off. that said, i was reluctant. i knew then, that a storm would be stirred up. i just never thought this storm would turn out to be a hurricane. taking a year off work to rest and recover rings bells, especially to superiors and the employer. “is she so sick? what’s wrong with her that she needs such a long period of time off?” so when i made the decision that i would go back to work right after the year ended, they told me i need to be certified fit. that was an uphill task in and by itself. my psychiatrist, even though he trusted me, didn’t want to take any chances. my case, my entire psychiatric history, was discussed with clinicians of the hospital. as if that wasn’t shameful enough. they made the joint decision that i can work, but only on the basis that i no longer work in the acute ward. that killed me on the inside. i submitted the letter to the people in charge (human resource).  they explained to me that when sourcing for a position in the hospital for me, they have to explain to the potential reporting officer why i took the year off and why i requested for a transfer. they revealed then that it is up to the reporting officer to accept me into their department or not. at the same time, HR wanted a medical report from my psychiatrist to “help them understand my condition better and find suitable positions for me”. i reluctantly gave in too. this whole time, i hated everything that was going on. people might think or ask why i am so stressed even though i’m not working. but they don’t know that a person’s self-esteem is tied a lot to a person’s career- their sense of purpose. not working for a year tested the waters already. i’m in 2014, and i have a job. yet i don’t.

i received “news” last Friday from HR. they have NO positions for me. i like to make assumptions, catastrophize. it’s what depressed people usually do. my guess? none of them wanted me. i’ve went around to hear. there ARE positions for staff nurses waiting to be filled. except for me? why? presumably because HR told them about me? did they reveal more of my psychiatric conditions, since they have my medical report? i don’t get it. i don’t want to make baseless assumptions. but this is stigmatisation at its best. the hospital is huge. you mean to tell me there is not even a single place for me, other than the wards? i find that fucking incredulous. i’m fuming. i’m very angry. and because i am very sticky about confidentiality, i’ll find out if it has been breached. if it has been breached, i’ll take action. like all the other times it happened.

you know, it’s not fair. i know i know. life’s never fair. but what did i do to deserve this? i didn’t hurt anyone. i cared for my patients just like any staff nurse would, maybe even better. i juggled my conditions while working, while never letting them interfere in my work. i had everyone fooled, when none of my colleagues knew that i was in depression and had RA. i am very functional. so what’s wrong now? what is it that irates them that i am denied a chance of rebuilding my life back bit by bit?

i’ve cried so much last year, bled so much, begged and pleaded, shouted and screamed. all for what? all to keep myself whole and intact, to get the respect that i deserve, to preserve my sanity, and to protect myself. but all of these happened under pressure. but you know, i can’t do that at my employer’s. they’d really think i’ve lost my mind and will definitely work against me. so i have to be very inhibited tomorrow. i have to keep my cool, even if someone spits in my face.

someone very special to me helped me. she was my saving grace. nudged me along, even if it was inch by inch. i have one opportunity tomorrow, to show them that i am more than what they make me out to be. one precious and fragile opportunity. i could win it, but i could lose it. good for me if it’s the former. disastrous if it’s the latter. i don’t know what will happen, honestly.

anyhow, i’ll persist with HR. i’ll dig the truth out of them. and if they did reveal anything, it’s going to the boardrooms, i swear. and  yes, i don’t like lies. i don’t like being manipulated.

one thing i know, and everyone should know too. i am, we are, first a human. plainly a human.

the other thing, life’s fucking unfair.



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