i can & i will

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today, after much trepidation since last week, i received a call from a familiar number. it was from my hospital. they told me, even though it’s not made official, that i’ll start work next Monday. i was jumping for joy after i put down the phone! it was at long last!!! yes it is not something that i had ever envisioned myself to be doing, nor is it something i have wanted to do. but i am still in recovery, and although it hurts so much to be dragged away from the valuable patient contact that gives me life, i’ve accepted it. this will be my stepping stone towards things that might come forth. this will not be the end. it is only the beginning of a new life that i’ll be building up painstakingly brick by brick. my clinical work will come, when i’m ready. and when the time comes, there’s no stopping me. yes it aches that time is such a pain in the ass. you know, about how i’m almost 24 and i don’t have a degree, nor much work experience. no love life too (haha). but oh well.

God is teaching me to be patient, and i’ll do what He will.

i have been out of action for about 400 days. i can only say that these 400 days being unable to do what God wants me to do and be, and has been painful. i fought and struggled in the battle to get myself back to work. i’ve cried buckets having my fate to be such that i could not do what i want to do- clinical and patient care. but it’s been sobering. this job, this opportunity, could not have been possible without someone. someone special- Ms D.

she knew me when i was at my best. she was by my side when i was the real me. and even when i fell deep into the dark trenches of depression, she was always there. she remembers me. not my depression, and especially not my monstrous self. she knows me so well that she helped me in this struggle to return to work. she nudged me along, quietly. not even wanting anything in return. she knows my ultimate goal is still patient care, but she did it anyway. i chatted with her yesterday, and the words, even painfully honest, reminded me of who i really am, under the thick smog of my illnesses. then i realise who i can be, if i only let myself. i thank God for her, and i hold her very dear to my heart.

well. it’s a new start. a new beginning. and that’s something worth celebrating.

I CAN & I WILL. i promise. pinky swear.

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