scared piss

as you guys might have known, i have a new position. it made my day for 2 days. i was so happy that i wasn’t my usual self. then yesterday, because i had asked my manager for my job description, i received it in my email. i read through it, and the instant reaction wasn’t good.

“i can’t do this.”

“i’m gonna fail at this.”

“what have i gotten myself into???”

i wanted to cry. i wanted to back out. everything i’m reading is so foreign to me. but the reality is, i was already pre-empted that the job was going to be so. that it’s really going to be tough because we have nothing to build on. we are building everything from scratch. i always said yes and ok when they pre-empted me. but when i read my job scope, i realised that maybe i wasn’t really listening afterall.

i was trained to be a nurse. if you count the extra years i wasted to get to where i am, it took me 5 years to become a full-fledged nurse. i learnt everything that a nurse needs to know. serving medications, injection, inserting intravenous cannulas, inserting catheters and tubes, putting up drips and antibiotics, cleaning up the patient, resuscitation, , even handling patients, their relatives, doctors, allied health colleagues etc. i even learnt how to stand for hours on end without sitting, holding my bladder for 12 hours, going on an empty stomach etc. it was a long ride, but hell, i loved it.

now, the story has changed. i’m going to be desk bound. my face will be glued to the laptop screen as my fingers type away furiously, churning out work to meet deadlines. although i do understand what my job now entails, i don’t think i even know how to go about doing any one of it. seriously. that makes me want to cry, because i hate uncertainty. and i hate not knowing. in a crude sense, i’m the kind of girl who wants to be, or is, a know-it-all. the scared part of me wants to run away, back out and say i don’t want to do this! i want to scurry back to work in the ward where i thrive the most. but i can’t.

the only way to go now is to trudge forward. there is no looking back now. i’m fucking scared, but i think it’s natural?

and you know, they always say: don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

i’ll return to my calling when i’m ready, and only when i really am. this isn’t forever.

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