it’s been 3 weeks since i started work. i start my 4th tomorrow.
it’s been such a whirlwind trying to adapt to an administrative job. because my job deals with undergraduate nursing students, it’s an everyday thing that i am reminded of what it was and could have been. it doesn’t help that i used to train and work in nursing at this hospital.
everyday, i sit at my desk staring at my screen, dealing with endless Excel sheets, even dabbling with drawing for a particular task. it just isn’t my thing. it has become a staple that i talk to myself in frustration and in hilarity. i’ve also grown to singing to myself. i think all these, are much to the horror of my colleagues.
my 2nd week into work, i was put into the organising team of a major medical conference. while i was glad to be given such an opportunity, i was stressed out having to emcee and know things that my colleagues have know for a year or years. it was less than a week of preparation.
during the conference, my eyes lit up and my ears perked whenever i heard something medical in the lectures. i know better now, that i belong to clinical nursing.
i stumbled just on the 10th day of work. as usual, i was triggered by someone else’s actions. i was falling, and i didn’t know if there was going to be a cushion. i was angry, yet scared. then when i got a little better, someone else came along and triggered me on my 13th day. i wondered if i could even survive a year in this department, if i could fall so fast.
when i saw my psychiatrist just on Friday, i narrated the triggering events that had happened. he didn’t seem to quite understand why i was so triggered and distressed by those events. however, he did shed light on what i might have done wrong. at the end of it, i bawled and he asked me why i was crying. in between the sniffles and sobs, i said that i didn’t want to go back to work. sigh.
the reality is, i haven’t gotten over the fact that i am not a practicing nurse. after fighting so hard and for so long, it seemed all too futile. i tried to find meaning in my new position, and my teacher had also talked to me about what i could do. i did it. i had new ‘dreams’, things i wanted to do to give to my department and to the education of nursing students. but they are not happening just yet. it feels as though it will never happen. to be brutally honest, i felt like i’ve been cheated into this job. every thing we talked about before i got this job, isn’t happening. they tell me it takes time. i know. i know it takes time. but i’m trying nevertheless. i’ve been trying to be proactive, trying to initiate things. but the response hasn’t been good. it makes me wonder what my purpose is.
my body is with the department, but my soul belongs elsewhere- with clinical work and with my patients.
i am not used to being deskbound. whatever i’ve been doing to earn my keep, i’ve been moving (or prancing) about. and so with this, it triggers off the pain in my back. i’ve been in constant pain and nothing is making it go away. my sacroiliac joints are painful, my piriformis muscle seems to be inflammed, making walking difficult, my lumbar erector spinae are kicking me hard in my ass. and the fatigue and stiffness are all aggravated by the stillness of my job. it makes me mad. and angry.
well, i don’t know if i’m happy that i’m working and earning my keep, or if i’m sad i’m not the nurse i want to be. things keep changing, and it’s a roller-coaster ride. i guess work-wise, i’m fine. but psychologically and emotionally, i’m not there yet.
i’m in a pretty precarious position, fragile even, now. i can only hope better things are to come, that i become stronger and more resilient.