in pieces

driving me to the furnace, past the scenery along the way. 

you wanted it, it i gave to you. i was brimming with enthusiasm. in fact, it was even spilling over. i thought i could make a difference, but day by day, i learnt it was not to be. it cannot be, and will not be. i tried, and i tried my darndest. looked upon with disdain and berated repeatedly, i was confused. i was sad, and i got sadder by the day. i didn’t know what to do. i was doing what i was told to do, but i got lashed at anyway. what do i do?

i coped by holding it all in. i stopped trying so hard. mediocrity, if i could, was what i was trying to settle for. all in exchange for some peace and stability in my mind. but still it didn’t do. the usually uninhibited me is now inhibited, and it sure feels awfully disgusting. all the arrows kept coming for me. and there was nothing i could do but to let them penetrate me and hurt me through and through. i stand here now, bleeding from my insides, while everyone else’s lives go on. i cried and cried and cried. at my desk. outside my office. at home. in the consultation room. i don’t know how to make it better.

i am nothing but a mere speck of dirt on the ground for you to trample on, i know. i always am, despite what all of you say.

i’m leaving, as i soon as i can. and i mean it. because if i don’t, i’ll end up DEAD. maybe that’s what all of you want, ain’t it? me, dead? right from the start, back in 2010?

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