what’s up

so here’s what’s been happening:

  • my RA has still been active. since my transaminitis has resolved, rheumy has decided to restart MTX at 10mg and we’re crossing our fingers that i don’t get any transaminitis from it. SSZ stays at 3g.
  • my piriformis stays inflammed for 14 weeks till date. because any diagnosis with the piriformis has to be of exclusion, we decided that we should go ahead with an injection of triamciniolone into my greater trochanter. if it helps, good for me. if it doesn’t, then we will have to go from there. it helped immensely in the first 1/2 hour, presumably because of the lignocaine. but once it wore off, damn it hurt, my hip. aargh.
  • my axiliary lymph nodes have been enlarged for 7 months till date, and it has been worsening. i finally mustered the courage to ask rheumy if it is of any concern. i monitor it everyday, but when she started to palpate it, she couldn’t feel much. but she ordered a CT scan of my thorax anyway. i should think it’ll be fine, because i have no family history of malignancy. i, and maybe she, needs to be reassured that it is merely nothing like what i make it out to be (bordering on the hypochondriac side haha). and I WILL BE FINE. yes.
  • just when i thought my ferritin level has normalised from 6 to 17, rheumy told me that the ideal is 40. such killjoy. and my TIBC is still abnormal. so back to IV Venofer i go. just one dose for now, but to hit 40? i think it’ll take another 2 IV doses on top of the already planned one. mehhhhh. serves me right.
  • my psychiatrist has weaned me off completely off pregabalin, quetiapine and zolpidem. and thus my pain and anxiety levels have sky rocketed. my rheumy disagrees and wants me to go back on a low dose of pregabalin to help with my pain. so that remains to be contested.
  • he increased my lithium in a bid to flatten my affect because he thinks i’m too reactive, and that my mood swings too much especially at work. he also added topiramate, which makes me amnesiac reminiscent of post-ECT amnesia. except that i cannot for my life recall vocabulary that i have known for so many years of my life. bah humbug.

it has been difficult juggling my health issues. and with work back in the picture, the difficulty level is something that i cannot handle. it is not something i can share the burden with. my rheumy understands my physical health. my psychiatric team understands my mental health. both parties are unable to integrate each other and see me as a whole. my family tries to be there. but i am really all alone. i try and i try so hard. there is no where to go. only forward. (my kindest doctors like my rheumy and cardiologist always remind me to be a good girl, and to try my best to not ‘go crazy’. it sounds insensitive, but i guess they only mean well.)

sigh.

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