out of control

as i write this entry, i have 5 more days till i take flight.

as i might have mentioned, i will be going to England. for the British Society of Rheumatology’s conference, as well as some sight-seeing in Edinburgh and revisiting London for my 3rd time. i will be away for 16 days or so. alone. and while i have been counting down to this trip, i am getting stressed up as it draws near.

there are so many uncertainties. i will be alone. i will be travelling extensively within England. i am pseudo-backpacking, yet i cannot carry a backpack because my back cannot take the weight of it for prolonged periods. i have to use a luggage, yet the luggage cannot be too heavy as i am moving everywhere on train and bus. the dilemma is that i have 16 days worth of belongings to bring, yet i have to carry light. this is giving me a headache. i am trying my best. i will reuse what i can, wash them if i need to, throw them if possible. but sigh. i will only know when Thursday looms.

it’s a little chilly there. will my joints flare? will RA kick a hissy fit while i’m there? if it does, can i walk distances, can i lift my luggage if i have to, can i cope with the pain? i will bring whatever meds i can. but there is only so much i can bring. what will i do?

because of the length of my trip, i won’t see my treatment team for a month. it hasn’t been so for a really long time. it sounds silly, but i’m scared. yes i will down my anti-depressants, my mood stabilisers, my benzodiazepines, my topiramate. but while i am there i am alone, i will receive work emails. i will muse, ruminate, spoil things for myself. whatever. i will cry even. i cannot control any of these.

and the food! oh gosh the food. and the lack of potable water. i have a notorious history of gaining weight from trips and i sure as well do not want to gain just because i am in beautiful England. no no no. it is not acceptable.

the last thing? i do not want to be robbed, pickpocketed, violated, etc. none of that. a little hard since i’m a girl alone in England. not impossible, but oh well.

will i have i good time? i sure hope so. will anything go wrong? i hope not. it is all not within my control. i can really only do what i can on my part. but the rest really lies on the circumstances.


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