i can’t

i woke up this morning in stiffness and fatigued. a job interview first thing in the morning. i put my feet on the floor, and i winced as i stepped on marbles. my MTPs are flaring. as i went about getting ready, i made a mental note. what is hurting, how much it’s hurting, which isn’t RA, which is systemic. i went for my interview anyway, without any NSAID or analgesia. “it’s gonna be futile anyway”, i thought.

i landed a new clinical position, 1 week after my official resignation with the hospital. the irony, seeing that it’d take a few months to even get an internal transfer within the hospital, and in my case, i got nowhere. 1 week out, and i got what i needed to sustain me, and as my rheumy said, “Steph, the world is bigger than you think”. how apt and true.

the fatigue was like an anchor, and i was sinking and sinking. my joints hurt and swelled more and more as time passed. new flares started to appear insidiously. by afternoon, i was beaten. i couldn’t even eat my lunch properly because the table was too “high” for my shoulders. it’s silly. i wanted to cry. i only had analgesia, no NSAIDs. i was scared of the nausea and the vomiting. so i held onto my dear life as i tried to make my way home.

at home, my head started to throb. my dad turned on the fan despite the air-con being on. the rheumatism aches set in. it ached right into my bones. i switched off the fan several times, only to have him switch it back on. my joints, in response, to the cold, swelled even more. i wanted to take my NSAID- sulindanc- and surrender to it. only to realise, i don’t have anymore.

i only have 3 years expired prednisolone.

at the brink of tears because my body is going flare-crazy and i don’t have have anything to quell it now.




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