if this is what you call progress, this year has seen me…
cry in public many times.
it is a fact that i cry a lot. especially since the dawn of depression (pun intended). but i don’t like people seeing me cry. it leaves me feeling very vulnerable. so i cry when i’m alone. in my bed. under my sheets. in therapy. in consultations. the tears and the sniffles. wipe them all away and i’ll be fine again.
but this year is different. my doctors say that perhaps my resilience is stronger. i find that funny i actually laughed. because i started crying in the open. i cried at my desk at work. and when the crying turned into sobbing, i ran away only to an open stairwell where everyone in the office building could see me cry if they were to look out. perhaps one could call me a ‘crybaby’. but i couldn’t turn off the tap when something so malicious was said of me, or when i was maligned and could not defend myself. when i did manage not to cry, my mood switched. then they all thought i was ‘bipolar’ because my mood was swinging like mad.
i cried as i left the hospital on the day i decided i would resign. i cried as i walked through the hospital and into the train station. i cried throughout my 35 minute train journey, i was ashamed and i knew people were staring. but i was so sad, so in pain. no one else would really know what transpired that day. but it hurt so much that if i did not cry in public, i was afraid i would fall off 14 storeys.
i cried on the train again on Friday, as i made my way to see J. i could not talk to anyone else. no one else on my team would understand, because after all, i ‘deserved’ it. i was 10 feet under. i won’t even talk about it here because if i did, and if the world knew, what would become of me?
people may say that being able to cry in public is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and that it is progress because you open yourself up and let your emotions flow, as opposed to hiding them and allowing yourself to get hurt further.
but i don’t see it that way. no no no.
i see it as… let’s put it this way. a failing dam. one that is about to crumble and give away. and when it does, it unleashes its fury that causes so much destruction, nothing and not anybody can stop it. it’s like seeing the dam leaking so blatantly and not repairing it, and instead aggravating it further by increasing water volumes and pressures that more cracks appear until it finally gives way.
so now. do i try to repair the dam? or should i let it give way?
they took everything away from me, and i am leaning towards the latter. to hell i go.