i got really hurt today.
this topic has been talked about for the umpteenth time, maybe even more. my parents, perhaps more like my dad, just cannot get it.
he said today that it was not their job as parents to understand me (or us as their children). it was apparent that it was in his defense that he still doesn’t understand me. i told him that people who are not family, like J and Dr S, have spoken to them before. he denied it. i refuted it by saying that it happened, but the sessions all ended with me in tears. i have spoken to him about it before too, and even declared that i have shut the door. no entry, not anymore. he continued to argue, and said that i’ve changed.
i told him that the society changes people. he says the society changes everyone. i agreed, but suddenly my mind turned aggressive. are you telling me that society changes everyone, yet i am one who is not strong enough, too weak, not good enough, to withstand it??? i told him that he was echoing what the original perpetrator told me that triggered my fall into depression. when i started tearing, he got pissed at me.
i told him this is the reason why i have always insisted to my treatment team that family therapy will not work, and that although they are adamant, they agree because they can see the family dynamics to be as such.
i refused to speak to him for the rest of the day. i hung up his call. i told my mum to tell him to reflect on what he said. i do this not because i am throwing a tantrum. he sometimes regresses into a child-like state and throws hissy fits and tantrums, and he never realises what is wrong. at my own my detriment i have tried everything to get him to understand what’s going on, but nothing ever worked. even when i cried and begged. so yes it hurts me to hurt him.
i am struggling as much as he does, and he probably never knows how hard it is to fight for yourself and your own life and be met with disdain, disgust and everything nasty at the same time. oh and cope with chronic conditions too.