*heave*

i went back to work today after 2 days of rest, but i am still gobsmacked by what has happened.

i groaned and moaned as i worked. synovial swellings, musculoskeletal pain, an odd tummy, heaving with every effort exerted. i had emailed my gastroenterologist. he has instructed me to stay away from tramadol. and that leaves me with only paracetamol as an analgesia. i am still getting the green light from him if i could even take paracetamol+codeine. i have a feeling that gabapentin will be a ‘no-go’ as well.  and right now i am trying to contact my psychiatrist to see if i can actually continue my psychiatric medications.

my left hip is flaring so badly now, i have a compelling urge to take a 50ml syringe with an 18 gauge needle to stab and stab at it repetitively until it stops screaming.

but honest to God, i feel like crying. i can’t really let it out. it just won’t. nobody i know actually understands how distressing this is. i don’t like to lose control. i don’t like to be in pain. i don’t like to know that this is all a result of a malfunctioning body. i don’t like the fact that although this current state is permanent, it reminds me that this will be lifelong. i don’t like knowing that i haven’t actually done anything to deserve any of these.

i just want someone to understand how difficult this is, while trying to lead a normal life. and give me a nice warm hug and tell me that everything’s going to be ok.

sigh.

 

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